Alex's E Pals
by Humor In A Bittersweet Life
Summary: Alex wants to meet her e-mail "pen pals." Bobby has something else in mind. B/A established relationship. Story rated T. Language rated M. Author Formerly - judeey Chapter 4: Operation E-Killers ... Bobby "saves" Alex. Rated M for language!
1. Bobby's Suspicious Mind

**Disclaimer: I have no claim to L&OCI or their characters**

**Title: Alex's E-Pals**

**Rated T and M for language only**

**Summary: Alex wants to meet her E-Mail "Pen Pals." Bobby has other plans. Bobby and Alex established relationship.**

**A/N For Darin's -Sis and cifan ... What a perfect day! It was wonderful to meet you in person :) I'm so glad you didn't turn out to be serial killers! What a fun day!**

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**Bobby's Suspicious Mind**

Alex was sitting at her computer laughing. She was flipping through her romance novel and checking her e-mail. Bobby walks in, wondering what was happening.

"Alex, what are you laughing at?"

"Oh … just something Delia said."

"Delia? Who's Delia?"

"My e-mail pen pal. You know, my on-line book club? We read a romance novel, review it and then discuss it."

"Oh yeah, that. So, what did she say that was so funny?"

"Well, we're reading, The Almighty Sword … you can imagine what the sword is."

"Yeah … I think I can."

"Okay, so, anyway … she said, no man has a _**sword **_that big. I found that funny, because, well, you know … you do. So, that was funny to me."

"You didn't tell her that, did you?"

"No, that would be bragging."

Alex hears her e-mail alert go off again. She clicks on it, and again laughs.

"What now?"

"Annie's on-line. She told Delia that her husband's is bigger."

Alex begins to type.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?"

"Bragging!"

"ALEX!"

"If Annie can, I can."

Bobby walks out of the room, grabs a beer and his Smithsonian Magazine. Alex joins him on the couch, he can see the excitement in her eyes.

"What … do they want you to measure it?"

"No, they want to meet."

"Meet? What do you mean, meet?"

"We just discovered that we only live hours apart. We're going to get together for a girls week-end."

"Wait, what? A girls week-end? Do you even know these girls Alex?"

"Of course I do. We have been e-mailing each other for almost a year now."

"E-mailing, Alex. Not meeting at the library book club meeting every Tuesday night … you know, in person? How do you even know that they're women?"

"Would you give me a little credit here, Bobby. I am a Major Case Detective."

"Okay, Detective … what's Delia's last name?"

"Jones."

"Ah huh … and Annie?"

"Smith."

"I see … Jones and Smith. Are you … OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?"

"WHAT!?"

"Al … Jones and Smith! Come on … what are they, serial killers? Have they been stalking you for the past year waiting for the right opportunity to strike?"

"Bobby … let me ask you a question."

"What?"

"Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?"

"JONES AND SMITH … _exasperated_ … ALEX!"

"Delia Jones is a librarian and Annie Smith is a neo natal nurse. We have been corresponding for almost a year now. Delia is not married, Annie is. We have shared photos, family stories and just about a million laughs. We have an opportunity to meet this week-end and that is exactly what we are going to do."

"Not without me and my Glock. _Alex raises her eyebrows. _I said, _Glock_."

"I heard you and you're - not - coming."

"Then, you're - not - going."

"Since when are you the boss of me?"

Bobby realizes that he has crossed over the line with Alex, but he's not going to budge.

He crosses his arm over his chest and stands his ground. "Since, since NOW! Either I go with you, or you don't go. Your choice."

"How about this? I go and you can take a hike, Goren!"

Alex walks out of the room and starts packing. Bobby spies through Alex's e-mails. He finds the women's cell phone numbers, jots them down and runs outside. He makes a phone call.

"_Simmons."_

"Ira … it's Goren. I need you to run a couple of cell phone numbers for me."

"_Sure … what's up?"_

"Just a suspicion … I'm thinking, serial killers."

"_You __**are**__ the profiler."_

"That's right … I am."

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_**TBC? Thanks for reading. We'll have to do it again sometime ;)**_


	2. The Background Check

**BTW ~ Nothing bittersweet about this one. This would be my humorous side!**

**To continue ... Bobby gets Captain Ross involved.**

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_CHAPTER TWO: Background checks_

**Serial Killers or Soccer Moms**

Back at 1 Police Plaza, Ira runs the cell phone numbers given to him by Detective Goren.

"_Goren."_

"Detective … Ira. I have that information you were looking for."

Bobby steps outside onto the balcony.

"_What did you find out for me, Ira?"_

"The first cell phone number you gave me belongs to a, Delia Jones. She's a librarian from upstate New York. Single. Coach at a local middle school. Involved with community affairs in her town. The second number you gave me, is listed under a family share plan … primary holder is Daniel Smith. Married. He resides in Vermont. Firefighter. Wife is a nurse. They have four children … I'm guessing because the family share plan has six phones listed."

"_Wow, this is worse than I thought. Sophisticated … computer literate. Well planned in advance. This could be big, Ira. Do me a favor. Run similar MO's through the national data banks. Internet stalking, romance novel chat room … serial killers involving police officers … use those as key words. I'll be in to help with the research."_

"Detective … might I ask what this all about?"

"_I think there is an elaborate plot out against Alex, but she's too blind to see it. I need to present her with the evidence before it's too late."_

"Detective Eames!?"

"_Yes Ira … Detective Eames."_

"I'll get right on this research, Detective."

Bobby walks into their bedroom to find Alex at it again on the computer … he's going to play along.

"What are you doing?"

"We are finalizing our plans for this week-end. I'm going, so don't try and talk me out of it."

He holds both hands up in surrender. She looks surprised. He grabs his jacket.

"I'm going out for a walk … have fun with your E-pals."

Alex looks suspicious, but takes his peck on the cheek and continues her E-conversation. He walks down to the subway and heads right to 1 Police Plaza. When he arrives, Captain Ross is there with Ira. Ira is trying to explain what he's doing for Goren, but he's still not sure. He just knows that serial killers are after Detective Eames.

In a panic … Captain Ross approaches Goren.

"Serial killers are after Detective Eames … why are you here? Why wasn't I notified? What the hell is going on , Goren?"

He tells Captain Ross about Alex's on-line book club. He leaves out the _**sword**_ detail, but tells him about Delia and Annie and how after a year, they conveniently discover that they live hours apart, and that they should meet for a girls only week-end.

"Goren … this could be an elaborate plot. They could be cop serial killers. We need background checks. Ira … I want the whole nine yards here … this is Detective Eames we're talking about."

"Yes Sir."

"I want financials … I want to know if they have outstanding parking tickets. If they ever spit on the sidewalk ... _Ira is frantically writing Captain Ross's instructions down._ _He glances up_ ... _**spit?**_ ... anything we can use to secure a warrant to search their homes before this meeting takes place. Do it and do it fast. You know Detective Eames, once she gets something in her head … there's no stopping her."

Bobby nods his head in agreement.

"Yes Sir."

"Goren … how could you let her get away with this?"

"She told me to take a hike, Sir. I don't want to take a hike. So I'm going to investigate and present the facts. She's a detective … she won't be mad at me for saving her life … for too long anyway."

"Did you call her father?"

"I maybe dumb, but I'm not stupid."

Like synchronized swimmers, Ira and Captain Ross look at him like a dog would when they hear a high pitch noise … the head tilt. Then that look of realization hits their face and they nod … they get it.

Both Ira and Bobby begin background checks on the women in question, while Alex is at home LOL-ing and such about Bobby's suspicious mind and his magic sword.

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**_Thank you all for the reviews and alerts ... and of course my inspiration for writing this story._**


	3. Time and Place, Poor Ira

**Men will be men ... yes of course we know this, but oddly enough, sometimes women will listen to men ... this time, see who they drag into the mess.**

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_CHAPTER THREE: Time and Place_

**"Seeing" Things**

After several hours of searching the national criminal data base and delving into the personal lives of Alex's two E-Pals, Bobby is still not satisfied.

"I can't find anything on either one of these women, Detective. As far as I can tell … neither one of them has any traffic violations and I can't find anything about spitting on the sidewalk."

"I can't find anything either, Ira. They are very clever. They have somehow managed to infiltrate the NYPD computer systems. They know that we are looking into to their past and they have made up a history on these two women. Damn, they're good … they're very good."

Just as he's scratching his head, Meghan stops by his desk.

"Hey, what are you two working on?"

He shoots Ira a look and shakes his head. He sits back in his chair trying to look nonchalant and begins shaking his foot like he doesn't have a care in the world.

"Oh nothing … just hangin."

"Just _hangin_?"

"Yup."

"So, what are you going to do without Alex this week-end? I hear she's meeting her romance novel friends in Upstate New York."

"You know about that?"

"Yeah, she called and told me to keep an eye on you … apparently, an old flame of yours is back in the city."

He chuckles.

"Do you belong to this E-book club, Meggie?"

"Are you kidding me? I can't believe she does … The Almighty Sword … please."

She winks at Bobby, meows, then leaves. He turns ten shades of red.

Ira asks, "Detective, what's The Almighty Sword?"

"Its ah … ah a.. ah … swashbuckling novel that ah … Detective Eames read for this book club thing."

"Oh, okay. So, what's next, Detective Goren."

"We set up a trap and we use Detective Eames as bait. Ah … we just don't tell her."

"We don't tell her?"

"No … we don't. This is why they don't encourage you to date your partner. Don't ever date your partner, Ira. It's too late for me, but learn from this situation."

"I think I already have."

Goren presents the evidence … or lack there of … to Ross. Ross calls the computer forensics lab and asks if that is at all possible. They tell him that it is possible but not probable. That's all he needed to hear … he was on board with Goren. As long as it was at all possible … he was going to set up a sting operation … Goren was in charge.

Bobby goes home to gather the information needed … _**that**_ was the easy part.

"Honey, I'm home."

"In here packing."

He trots into the bedroom to find her already packed and ready to go.

"Hey, I thought you said this week-end?"

"Change of plans. We all have today off, so we thought we'd get an early start."

"Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?"

"No, I was packing slowly."

She approaches him seductively. He takes this as a way of getting information … any other day, his _**sword**_ would have been taking over, not his detective brain.

She begins to caress his big broad chest. She looks up into his chocolate brown eyes with her seductive light brown eyes. He bends to kiss her. She deepens the kiss. He pulls away slightly and lifts her up and lays her down on the bed. He begins at her neck and works up to her ear … he grabs his cell phone and presses speed dial … number three for Ira.

In her ear, he whispers. "Baby … I'm gonna miss you so much … tell me where your staying so I can at least fantasize about you and I in that big motel room bed."

_Ira - with pen in hand poised to write.__** I so don't get paid enough for this. **_

"The Bonnie View Resort … ooh yeah right there. They have a private beach."

"I hate the beach."

"Just fantasize about the hot tub in the roooom … oh my God Bobby!"

_**Okay, that's it … hanging up now … TMI!**_

Ira heads off into the direction of Captain Ross's office when he runs into Detective Wheeler again.

"Come on Ira … you can tell me. You and Goren are working on something big … right?"

"No, ma'am … I mean Detective Wheeler. I'm just … ah … hangin."

"Hangin huh? … There seems to be a lot of that going around."

He makes his way to Captain Ross's office with the location of the meet. Wheeler is watching the interaction discreetly. _Hmm, what the hell is going on? … _she wonders_. Goren, Ira and Captain Ross … Three minus one … one being Alex … hmm? _

"Ira, how did you and Goren get the meeting place? Did he just come right out and ask her?"

"You could say that he _came_ right out and asked her."

"Ira?"

"Please, I'd rather not talk about it."

Wheeler decides she needs to know what's going on … she had an idea, knowing Bobby. She interupts Ira and Ross.

"Captain, Ira … may I ask … what the hell is going on around here?"

"Nothing at all Detective … slow day. I was just asking Ira here, if he could help my son with his computer science homework some night this week."

"Homework? Your son, the straight A student?"

"No … the other one."

She was at a loss … they were both straight A students. Defeated in her quest … she retreats to the break room to think things through.

"Captain … _Ira asks … _why aren't we including Detective Wheeler?"

"Because she'll go running off and tell Eames. Eames believes these women are actually women and not serial killers. You know Ira, I'm very disappointed in Eames. You would think being a Major Case detective, she would smell trouble a mile away. I just can't get over this."

"Maybe it's because she lives with a highly decorated profiler such as Detective Goren … she let her guard down."

Ross rolls his eyes at highly decorated.

"I don't know, maybe you're right. If you are, she's damn lucky he didn't decide to go off fishing with Logan or his mechanic friend Lewis."

Ira crosses his arms over his chest and stands tall and proud. "No way Sir … not Detective Goren … the only fishing he does is for bad guys and - he - smells - fish!"

"You really admire him, don't you Ira?"

"I do, Sir. You must admit … he's never wrong."

"Yeah … If I'm being honest with myself … I must admit that. I'll call the local LEO's Upstate. You find out what time they're suppose to meet."

Ira looks at his phone … "Okay, if I have to."

"Yes Ira … you have to. I need to know all the particulars before I make the call."

Just then, Ira's cell rings … it's Goren. _**Great … here we go again.**_

He flips his cell open and he can hear Alex's screams of ecstasy.

"Oh … yeah … God Bobby, you're sooo, so good at that. Yeah baby, right theREEEE!"

_**Oh Jesus.**_

"What time … Al … what time."

"Oooh … right nowwww!"

_**Okay, seriously … not getting paid enough.**_

"No baby, what time do you need to meet your friends? I don't want to make you late."

"Make me late, Bobby … MAKE - ME - LATE!"

_**I'm asking for a raise … Goren's obviously getting one … or is he getting, a rise?**_

After taking one for the team … Goren finally satisfies Alex _and himself _and heads back to 1 Police Plaza to put Operation E - Killers to bed … no pun intended.

Ross has already made several calls to the local law enforcement to help set up the sting. It was a small town so the local Captain was very excited. Goren asks him to have one of his officers register at the same hotel and he obliges with his one and only female officer. Operation E- Killers was beginning to take shape. Goren, Ross, Jeffries and Patricks were all getting their gear on … side arms … badges. Checking all their equipment, when Ross and Goren look over at a dejected Ira.

"Come on Ira … grab your ah … laptop. You're coming too."

And like a child at Christmas … or in his case Hanukah … with a huge smile on his face, Ira grabs his laptop and joins the Detectives for Upstate New York. Before they can make it to the elevator … Wheeler stops them.

"Hold on … I demand to know what's going on around here. I am sick and tired of the boys club! Give!"

They all keep looking from one to the other.

Wheeler approaches Goren.

"You - speak."

Bobby barks like a dog. The "boys" all start laughing.

He places his hands on her shoulders to gently move her out of the way and softly says … "Are we good now? … May we leave?"

She comes up on her tippy toes and whispers in his ear … "Alex tells me you go commando. Shouldn't be to difficult to knee you in the _almighty sword _there Goren!"

He steps back … "Okay … _he flings his hands up in the air _… she needs to know."

"What is it that I need to know?"

Captain Ross steps forward. "Meg … serial killers have targeted Detective Eames. She doesn't know it, but we are aware of it and we also have local law enforcement on it. We'll catch them before they get anywhere near her."

Wheeler looks shocked, bewildered. "Oh my God … those two women?"

Bobby pipes in. "We don't think they're women Meg. We think that this has been a well thought out elaborate scheme … we're not even sure how many police officers have fallen into this same trap."

"Damn it … I told her that romance novels were stupid. Count me in!"

The team is set and ready to go. As they head to the elevator, Bobby thanks Meg for coming.

"Hey, she's your girlfriend, but she's my friend."

"Yeah, I know, but thanks just the same. By the way, who's the old flame of mine that's in the city this week-end?"

"How can you think about that now?"

"I just need to calm my nerves … it will probably make me laugh … like she has anything to worry about."

"Lola."

"Ooh … _Lola_."

"Goren!"

"Lola has big huge man hands … that's why I broke up with her." _He shutters at the thought. _

"And that's a problem for a guy with an almighty sword in his pants?"

"How would you like a guys hand down your … ah … never mind."

They both laugh and load their weapons.

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**_Next up ... "The sting"_**


	4. Operation E Killers

**Bobby and Ross work with Upstate New York Law Enforcement to catch the "Notorious Serial Killers."**

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_CHAPTER FOUR: The Never wrong, Detective Goren_

**Operation E - Killers**

By the time Major Case arrives, local law enforcement has the motel surrounded. As best they can … they are a force of nine. Two of which have called in sick. The two "women" have already checked in, although, mysteriously enough, no one has seen them. Alex has yet to arrive. Bobby calls her on her cell … he's nervous that they know of his sting and that they have kidnapped her en-route.

"Hey Bobby …miss me already."

"Terribly. Are you there yet?"

"No, I stopped at a book store … I picked up a forensics book for you. A little fore play for when I get back."

Everyone of course, is listening … he wants to crawl under the police van.

"Oh gee, thanks … well, safe trip, gotta go."

And with that, he quickly disengages the phone. He knows his Alex too well. The rest of the conversation could easily turn to phone sex … obviously … this was not the time or the place.

They all settle in and wait for her arrival. They stakeout the rooms of the "women" and Alex's room all next door to each other. Bobby's plan is well thought out and methodical … he will not allow anything to happen to the woman that he loves. They wait.

Alex arrives and checks into her room. Bobby has planted a bug in there so he could at least hear her side of a phone conversation … it paid off. In some ways … he wishes it hadn't.

"_Hey Delia … I'm finally here. (silence) No, no. It was Bobby. (silence) Well really me, I seduced him. (laughing) I wanted more mighty sword stories to tell you and Annie. (silence) I know, right. I should write my own book.(silence) What should I call it? (silence) Delia, you're so bad. (laughing) Is that Annie laughing?(silence) I'll be right there."_

Bobby … a very embarrassed Bobby … gets on his radio to make sure everyone is on alert.

"Okay … she's coming out of her room and heading into suite 78A - Registered to Delia Jones. Heads up ladies and gentlemen, they are notorious serial killers in there."

Alex knocks on Delia's door. The door opens and she's grabbed and pulled into a tight embrace. The door slams. Moments later, Alex screams. Bobby rushes the room.

"MOVE, MOVE!"

_**He**_ breaks the door down. He doesn't wait for the uniforms or anyone else … he's going to save his Alex.

He goes busting through the door … Ross follows, Jeffries, Patricks, Wheeler, the local law enforcement uniformed officers. Ira hangs back in the van with his laptop … guns are drawn … they are screaming …

"NYPD … FREEZE!"

Alex, Delia and Annie are frozen. Standing in front of all of Bobby's peers, is a life size cutout of The Almighty Sword character dressed like Bobby with a dildo attached … that's why Alex screamed. One of Delia's hobbies was art … she thought Alex would get a kick out of the character cutout. She did! It was too funny and quite accurate. Annie's contribution was stopping at the porn shop and purchasing the largest dildo she could find. It was attached and swinging away.

It was very obviously Bobby … black T-shirt … which read … _**Detective Goren As The Almighty Sword! Cumming Soon to a Theater Near You. Rated 13 Wide.**_ Delia had even placed black jeans balled up around the ankles … she left no stone un-turned … it was even commando.

Bobby stands there with his hand over his eyes, motionless. He wants to find that van again and crawl under it. He peeks through his fingers to see how accurate the _Almighty Sword_ is … a little grin escapes underneath his embarrassment.

Ross places his hand on Goren's back … "Notorious serial killers, huh?"

Jeffries approaches him. "Damn Goren, are you really that big?"

Alex, with hands on her hips, retorts … "Yeah he is … a big jackass!"

Delia and Annie, now calming down from the shock of the door being kicked in off it's hinges … are swooning over Bobby.

"Oh Alex … his heart was in the right place … look, he's so damn cute. He's blushing, we've embarrassed him."

"Yeah Al, Deel's right. He's even shuffling his feet … give him a break."

Alex is standing there looking at him shaking her head. The local Captain looks at the cutout figure and back at Goren …

"I don't think she'll be mad at you for too long son … not if you're really packing that in your draws."

He pats him on the back and exit's the room.

Wheeler walks up to the cutout figure and asks Annie … "does that thing have batteries?"

Annie … looking confused, nods her head. Wheeler grabs it … "Evidence." And walks off with it.

Bobby sneaks a glance at Alex, but quickly looks back down at his feet … if he didn't know how much trouble he was in, her glare told the story. She grabs his hand and leads him to her room … Ira starts humming familiar porn music … _bow chic a bow bow. _Alex stops dead in her tracks and looks directly at Ira whom retreats quickly into the van. Snickers are heard all around, even Bobby has that adorable grin on his face … not that Alex will see it. When she looks at him, he hides it and looks remorseful for his actions.

She closes the door and he waits for the explosion.

"Robert Goren … how could you embarrass me in front of my friends and co-workers like that!?"

He looks at her stunned. He was figuring … _How could you not trust my judgment? Or, I am a detective too, ya know? Or even, I did do a background check on them before I met them. _BUT … who was embarrassed?

"Excuse me … You? Embarrassed? _He now approaches her and uses his size … no, not __**that**__ size … to intimidate her. _First of all … Meg knows I go COMMANDO! I can't help it if I don't fit in briefs or boxers! But did you have to announce it to the world? And secondly … I can't help it if I worry about you. I do love you, you know? _**I **_was the one embarrassed back there … The Almighty Fucking Sword swinging away for all of Major Case to see! They already think I'm a whack job. Now I'm a whack job that should be a fucking porn star."

Alex can't help but laugh … she, since the first time she saw _**it**_ … thought that as well. Not the whack job part.

"Who's fault is all of this, Bobby? If you had just trusted the fact that I was meeting friends and not _serial killers _… none of this would have happened."

"Why do you need friends, anyway? You have me, you have your family … why do you feel the need to meet these women and discuss romance novels?"

"We're not meeting to discuss romance novels … we do that on line. We came up here to un-wind … to escape our daily routine. I have more guy friends than girlfriends … it's nice to talk to other women."

"About my … ah … _**sword**_?"

"Yes … about your sword … that's what we talk about, among other things."

"Like what other things?"

"I talk about Nate and work. How I like antiques. Stuff."

He lets out an exasperated sigh … "I have to go face the music from Ross. I'll see you back in the city. Have fun with the girls."

He walks out without giving her a kiss. She follows behind feeling like she's the one that did something wrong.

Ross and the rest of team "Operation E-Killers" were all waiting for him to come out of Alex's room. They were all talking amongst themselves when he came out.

"Well Detective, I see that your Partner let you out alive."

"Yes Captain. I'm sorry for all of this."

"You know Goren … I have to say that usually, you're never wrong. It was your intense love for your partner that sent us on this wild goose chase."

"Yes Sir … I realize that. Does this mean …"

"It means that, I wish I had someone in my life that I cared for that much. Come on … let me buy you a beer."

"Sir?"

"Oh what the hell? I can finally say … you were wrong about something."

"Yes Sir … I suppose I won't be hearing the end of this anytime soon?"

"Considering the fact that it's going to be on the front page of the local news paper … I don't think so."

"Yeah Goren … _Patricks runs up to him, he's all excited _… can I have your autograph? I hear there's a movie producer in town. They heard about your … ah … prowess in the ah … bedroom. They want you to star in their next flick. They're calling it … Detective Goren's Big Glock."

He looks over at Ross. Ross shrugs and smiles … "This is why I'm buying you a beer … I think you need it."

"You better make it several."

"It's going to keep happening … It will die down, Goren. It may take awhile though."

Ira comes out from hiding. "Detective Goren? What's it feel like to be wrong?"

Bobby shoots him a look he only reserves for perps … Ira is not seen again in Upstate New York.

Bobby, the two Captains and Jeffries were all heading out … heading straight for the local watering hole, when Alex came up behind him and wraps her arms around him. He practically jumps out of his own skin.

"What's your problem Goren?"

"Oh no … I'm not giving you any more to talk about with your little friends. Go talk to them about your antiques … I'm off limits!"

"Okay, that's it! _She shouts out _… HE HAS A PENCIL DICK … HE CAN'T EVEN KEEP IT UP!"

She walks off with Delia and Annie laughing.

He yells after her … "Lola's in the city, ya know."

She stops and turns back to him. "She has man hands, Bobby"

"You and I both know, I don't have a pencil dick … I'm just saying!"

Alex wouldn't let him leave … he got his way. Bobby and his Glock, spent the week-end.

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**_Thanks for reading ... hope you enjoyed it! A/N Darin's - Sis / cifan ... too bad Bobby didn't bust in on us! DANG!_**


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